


in the darkness it all comes out

by PassionateKey



Series: bracing myself for collision [1]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-05
Updated: 2015-02-05
Packaged: 2018-03-10 14:13:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3293360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PassionateKey/pseuds/PassionateKey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A war is waging and Clarke is losing, both the battle and her heart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	in the darkness it all comes out

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the events of 2x11, so if you haven't seen it minor spoilers, after that I took creative liberty. Also it's not tagged with anything cause I suck at tags, so if anyone has any suggestions hit me up in the comments.

Clarke remembers it months into the war, the way his voice cracked when he said her name over the radios when he'd first snuck into Mt. Weather. It was months ago but it haunts her in her dreams, she can't sleep without hearing it, Bellamy calling out to her, his voice cracking in the same desperate way it had the last time she had heard from him. That had been when the war had barely started, when it seemed like they still had a fighting chance, back before Octavia completely hated her for sending her brother off to his death.

Clarke couldn't blame them, the way her people looked at her with tired eyes as they tried to survive. The first big attack from Mt. Weather had hurt the cause, setting them back further. The village Finn had slaughtered, had been completely wiped out by a weaker rendition of a nuclear weapon, it hadn't been Clarke's call to let those people die, but Lexa and her were in it together, any burden she carried, Clarke carried.

Everyday Clarke saw as Octavia turned on her and grew closer to Indra, she was mentoring her to be her second and Clarke knew Indra saw her as weak, but neither understood the choices that leaders had to make to keep their people safe. Neither understood what she and Lexa had to do to keep them safe. Clarke would let Octavia hate her as long it kept her alive. She had already caused one Blake's death, she wouldn't cause another.

With Octavia's hatred came Ravens. After Finn's murder, Raven stuck close to the girl and after all communication was lost between them and Bellamy, Raven had another reason to hate Clarke. Even if Raven and Bellamy had never been close, she had witnessed Clarke heartlessly send him on a suicide mission and now their people were as good as dead and the rest of them were dying, but Raven kept at her work, because if she didn't Finn died for nothing.

What hurt the most for Clarke though, was the way her own mother looked at her. She had long accepted that in everyone's eyes Clarke was the real leader, and let her daughter take command, but the further Clarke pushed away from her mother and her people, the darker the way her mother looked at her got. She kept her distance from the monster her daughter had become, and she too blamed Clarke for all the death even is she would never admit it.

When she couldn't sleep and Bellamy's voice trailed her in her nightmares, she would seek out fights with Octavia and Raven, if she kept his voice at bay, then maybe she could ease the hatred she had for killing him too.

_Wow, there princess, getting a little clinical._

Clarke sighed as she made her way across the camp, there was also that. She wasn't sure if that was worse then hearing the torn way he said her name over and over again. It probably wasn't, because having full on conversations with herself in Bellamy's voice was definitely some sort of early sign to Clarke losing her mind.

_Or it just means that you miss me, which you know is completely normal-unless you're still on your whole 'love is weakness' path of destruction._

Her heart clenched at the thought, of course she missed him. Mostly because she regretted her actions and felt guilty for his death, but also because she had grown accustomed to having him near her, arguing with him, bouncing off battle strategies with him, seeing him across the crowded camp, being the last person in his tent, saying goodnight, goodbye-she never got to say goodbye.

_That's cause I'm not dead yet princess._

Clarke sighed again, how long had it been since he had called her princess? Since before the battle at the dropship? It had been too long. 

"Hey Clarke, I got something I need you to take a look at!" 

Clarke turned around to Raven holding a metal contraption in her hand. She walked over slowly, placing the gun she had begun carrying on the table in front of her.

"What is it?" she asked, eyeing the monstrosity in front of her. She wasn't sure if it was supposed to be some sort of radio but all she saw was dial and wires.

"It's a bomb."

Clarke's eyes widened, remembering the bomb Raven had built that they'd imploded on the bridge.

_Why didn't you think of using a bomb before?_

"Because you told me to think of a plan that wouldn't kill everyone," she mumbled under her breath.

Raven looked at her confused, but went on to explain how it worked, how they didn't need to be anywhere near it, how it was all wired and set, they just had to get close enough to place it.

"Place it where?"

"There tower," Raven pointed out behind her. "We cut off their communications it makes it easier for us to storm the place."

"It won't work, we can't do it." Clarke shook her head, picking her gun up.

Raven clenched her teeth, "What the fuck are you talking about Clarke? This is what we should have done since the beginning."

"We can't," Clarke growled, staring Raven down.

Raven wasn't a girl to normally back down, but lately since Clarke hadn't been sleeping and had become more irritable then normal, Raven seemed to understand when it was best to let it go. Today didn't seem to be that day though.

"And why the fuck not?" 

Clarke let out a breath, clenching her eyes shut. "There are kids in that mountain."

When she opened them Raven was staring at her like she'd grown a third head.

"I promised Bellamy I would think of a plan that wouldn't kill everyone."

_Well princess, we're kind of running out of time, so you might want to speed up that plan._

"Bellamy is as good as dead! Out people are dying! But you want to go with some nonexistent plan because there are kids!" Raven's voice rose, and it had attracted the attention of Octavia, who had been watching them since the beginning. "All our friends of fucking kids too Clarke, yet that hasn't stopped them from slaughtering us!"

_Breathe princess, remember that Raven doesn't understand the decisions a leader must make._

"It's their blood on my hands Raven," she walked forward, meeting her eyes. "not yours."

Clarke held contact for a moment longer before turning away.

"You already have Finn's and Bellamy's and even Lincoln's blood on them Clarke, what's a little more."

 

 

She woke up to screaming. It took her a moment to realize that it wasn't coming from her or her dream, but from outside her tent, dressing quickly she grabbed her gun and stepped into the cold.

Octavia was hold someone down, they were thrashing around beneath her, their screams filling up the silent camp. 

"Calm down! I can't let go unless you calm down!"

Clarke stepped forward, trying to get a look at the person on the ground, but their face was obscured by mud and darkness.

They stopped moving and for a moment Clarke thought they were dead, but the whimpering that followed told her otherwise.

"What's going on Octavia?"

The girls head whipped up in question and the thrashing and screaming picked up again.

"Clarke you need to go."

"Octa-"

"Clarke, go!" the girl growled at her.

_I'd do what she says princess, my sister can be pretty scary._

Clarke took in a deep breath before nodding and heading back to her tent, assuring the crowd that had gathered that they could go back to sleep.

Eventually the screaming and the struggle outside her tent quieted down and soon after Octavia and Raven entered her tent unannounced.

"Does anyone want to tell me what that was all about?" Clarke stood, hands on a makeshift table.

Octavia ignored her, sitting down on Clarke's cot, wrapping herself up in furs-furs that used to belong to her brother, no one mentioned it anymore but those first few weeks it was all anyone could whisper about, how Clarke had taken up Bellamy's old tent.

Raven sighed, taking a seat across from them, by the tents entrance.

"She wanted to kill you." Octavia finally spoke up. "There had been rumors spreading that a rebellion was rising against you, but we mostly put it off to people being tired of the war, until one of the guns went missing, and then, well you know."

Clarkes throat went dry, she felt her legs give out beneath her.

_Breath Clarke, breath._

"Shut up," she muttered to herself.

Raven watched her across the room. "You can't be that surprised Griffin, this war's been ragging for long enough, our people are tired."

She nodded, closing her eyes, imaging the last time she had seen Bellamy, how she had told him it was a risk she was willing to take.

_You did what any leader would Clarke._

"Please leave," her voice broke and she winced at the thought of the two girls who hated her most seeing her so weak. "I'd like to be alone."

She heard the rustling of clothes and when she opened her eyes only Octavia remained in her tent.

"What about the woman?"

Clarke swallowed the knot in her throat. "I'm not the chancellor, let my mother or Kane decide."

"And the rebellion?"

Clarke watched Octavia for a moment, noticing the differences in the girl from when they first arrived, she wondered what Bellamy would think of her now.

_She's strong. She'd always been strong._

"You'll make a great leader Octavia," Clarke stood up, turning towards her cot. "You're dismissed."

She waited until she heard the tent slip close before letting the tears stream down her face.

"I did what any leader would do," she sobbed into the furs.

 

 

The light was flittering though the trees and Clarke knew she still had at least another hour before anyone in the camp noticed her absence, that would give her just enough time to reach the dam. She stopped for a minute to take a sip of water and hoist the pack further up, making sure not to rattle it too much. 

It had surprised her how easy it had been to slip away, how no grounder or sky person had caught her yet, or maybe they had but decided her life was expandable.

_Your life isn't expandable and you know it Clarke, stop feeling sorry for yourself._

"You know I'm really getting tired of your voice inside my head Blake."

_Well the sooner you save me the sooner you can tell me that too my face._

"What if it's too late to save you?"

_It's never too late princess._

 

 

She reached the dam's entrance by mid afternoon, by now she was positive that her mother would have sent out a team and Lexa some trackers to find her, and she hoped the little show she left them at the river would be enough to win her some more time, it would take them a while to realize she hadn't really drowned herself. By the time they did though, she would have set her plan into action and nothing could stop her.

Carefully she pulled her pack off her back and began taking out the contents, spreading them out before her, she slowly placed Raven's metal contraption on the ground, along with a radio. Pulling off her jacket, she wove an old piece of a harness through the metal contraption and adjusted it to fit above her waist, where she tightened it with another piece of the harness. 

Clarke had watched a movie once as a child where this guy had strapped a bomb to his body and walked into a building demanding that his family be let go, of course the guy had died at the end, but his family had made it out alive, and while it was a movie and not real life, no one had to know that that was exactly where Clarke had gotten the idea for the completely terrible plan she was about to execute, but it was her last chance.

_You know Clarke, when I had said Trojan Horse this wasn't what I had in mind._

She snorted, putting her jacket back on and placing the radio safely inside.

"Got any better plans Blake?"

_See you soon princess._

"See you soon Bellamy," she whispered, letting the wind carry it away.

 

 

_You know Clarke, as far as horrible plans that can never ever end well, this one wins by a landslide._

Clarke let out a full on cackle, as she tried not to trip over her feet running down the hall of Mt. Weather. "Even worse then that plan you had about being the inside man at Mt. Weather?"

_Ouch._

She smiled and to any outsider she probably looked like a lunatic, wild hair flying, and having conversations with herself, which wasn't far off to what was actually happening.

She turned to look behind her and the red blaring sirens only made her pick up her pace, she had to make it to the dining hall, where she knew all the civilians would be, the heart of Mt. Weather. Sharply she turned a corner, evading what she knew would be more soldiers coming from the elevator and almost collided head first into a women in a lab coat.

Clarke gave her a huge grin as she recognized her as Dr. Tsing.

"Just the woman I needed doc," she smirked, pulling the doctor into her body, gun pressed to her back. "You try anything and I'll make sure you don't make it."

The doctor stiffened but nodded, walking in front of her.

When they reached the doors to the dining hall Clarke could hear the chattering, they hadn't been informed of the break in yet, which just earned her more time.

"Is the President in there?" the doctor shook her head. "Are there cameras the President can see?" she nodded. "Good."

Clarke pushed her inside, pulling shut the door and barring them with a piece of metal. Everyone in the room quietly took notice of the wild haired girl full of dirt and panic began to rise. It was showtime.

"Mr. President!" Clarke turned towards a camera facing the door. "I would like to request an audience with you!" she slowly began to unzip her jacket as everyone in the room crowded away from her. "If you don't respond in let's say, five minutes? All of you will die."

The crowd gasped as Clarke exposed the bomb strapped to her body, she grinned at the camera knowing who would be on the other side of it.

"Your time starts now."

 

 

The negotiations were simple, Mt. Weather let all her people go and she wouldn't blow the mountain to pieces.

_They'll never go for it._

"If I've learned anything it's that crowds make bad decisions, why do you think I hit the dining hall, if their President refuses to my terms his own people will turn on him."

_Clever princess. But he's still not gonna go for it._

"It's worth the risk."

The negotiations were simple, but there was always a back up in case someone tried to play against the rules.

Clarke pulled a second radio out from her pack, one of the longer range radios that Raven had been working on, the crowd grew still following her every move, she ignored them

"This is Clarke to Camp Jaha, can anyone hear me."

It was silent before a crackling response came through, Clarke teared up that the distance had held.

"This is Raven. Clarke were the hell are you! Everyone's worried sick, your mother thought you had drowned yourself!"

Clarke took a minute to breathe before divulging her plan to Raven.

"Listen to me Reyes because I'm only going to tell you this once. I am inside Mt. Weather, currently holed up in their dinning hall, awaiting negotiations, with your bomb strapped to my body. The plan is simple, they let our people go I don't blow theirs up, they refuse I do. I grabbed one of the two controls that will deactivate the bomb, the other I left specifically for you. In any case all goes to hell and they refuse to abide by my demands and I cannot detonate the bomb you are under strict **orders** to detonate it yourself. Do you copy Reyes?"

Clarkes hand shook as she pulled the radio away from her face, the crowd in front of her looked on in fear, a couple of them sobbed quietly.

"I-I can't do that Clarke."

"Yes you can Reyes. Because I am choosing you first and you will follow my orders or everyone's blood is on my hands for nothing."

"But your mom and the rest of camp and the alliance! If I do this, Lexa will end out alliance!"

"She won't. Having Octavia as Indra's second solidified the alliance between out people, Lexa will understand. A leader does what they must."

The radio went silent for minutes and Clarke felt a pain at making Raven do something so gruesome, she knew that blood would never wash off her hands, but in times of war things had to be done or it would never end. 

"Reyes I need you to tell me you copy."

"I copy Clarke. How will I know?"

"I'll send a signal, don't worry, you'll know. And Raven."

"Yeah Clarke?"

"I'm sorry, about Finn, about everything. Tell Octavia I'm sorry I couldn't save her brother or Lincoln, tell her I tried. That she'll be stronger then me."

With that Clarke shut off the radio and looked up at the camera.

"You have two more minutes before everyone dies."

 

 

She could hear the guards at the door, murmuring into position,the crowd behind her becoming lively again, their salvation had come.

"Clarke, it's President Wallace."

Clarke rolled her eyes, standing up from the chair she had been sitting on.

"You here to personally escort my people and I out of this hell hole?"

Behind the door someone cleared their throat.

"And if I did what guarantee do I have that my people will not be blown up?

"You don't, guess you'll just have to trust me."

There was more murmuring beyond the door and a bit of inaudible yelling, before some shuffling, and then silence.

"No."

It rang loud and clear though the quiet room and Clarke sat back down just as the chaos erupted.

 

 

"You can't just leave us hear to die!" someone yelled behind her.

"This is unfair!"

"There are children in here!"

Clarke watched as the crowd reacted just as she knew they would, letting it go on for a while before cutting in.

"You would let your people die, just so you didn't have to let mine go?" her voice picked up and traveled across the room, all pairs of eyes turning to watch her.

"You would let all your people die, yourself included, just so my people didn't live? That's a little selfish don't you think Mr. President?"

Clarke could almost imagine the angry face Wallace would be sporting on the other side of the door, his pacing, and muffled curses, it brought a warmth to her heart.

"And you would kill innocent people, yourself included, to prove what exactly Clarke?"

Clarke stood, toying with a different radio, the one that would activate the bomb. "That I'm not afraid. That I would do anything to save the people I love. That this war has gone on long enough and that I will end it."

"All of this for some boy Ms. Griffin?"

Clarke's heart stopped, how did he know about Bellamy?

"I can assure Clarke, if this is all for Mr. Blake, it will be a waste. Mr. Blake died months ago."

Her head began to spin, that wasn't true, she knew it wasn't. Bellamy couldn't be dead, he promised to stay alive, he promised.

"He died with your name on his lips, your betrayal staining the floor red along with his blood."

Clarke bit back tears, Bellamy couldn't be dead, he couldn't. This whole plan rode on him being alive, she had come here because he had to be alive. 

A loud cackling filled the air, Clarke snapped out of it, pulling the first radio back out of her pocket.

"Clarke are you there?" it was Raven.

"Clarke, we're all set and ready for you to push the button."

She looked behind at the crowd waiting for her to make a move, slowly she turned back towards the door.

"You're right Wallace, this had started as a mission to save Bellamy, but now, now I'll be content with just killing _you_."

She rose the radio back to her face. "I'm all set Raven, thank you."

"Don't do this Clarke, it's not right, all that innocent blood doesn't have to be spilt!"

Clarke ignored the rustling and crying behind her, paid no attention to the shaking of the doors, just calmly took off her jacket.

_Don't do it princess._

She ignored his voice too.

_Do you hear me Clarke? Don't do it._

Confused she looked down at the radio in her hand, the voice wan't coming from her head, it was coming from the radio.

"Bellamy?"

"If these are the types of plans you come up with when I'm not around then I'm never leaving you alone again."

She laughed, holding nothing back Clarke laughed. Bellamy was alive and all was right.

"Don't do it Clarke."

Her laughter turned into sobs, after months, at the most inappropriate moment, Clarke let it all out. Hearing it again, the way Bellamy's voice cracked as he said her name was too much.

"I'm sorry Bell. I'm sorry." she sobbed into the radio.

"Please Clarke, don't."

"It was worth the risk Bell, all of it, every single moment was worth it to hear you say my name again."

" _Clarke_."

She smiled, pulling the detonator into her left hand.

"Goodbye rebel king."

"Goodbye princess."

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so this is gonna have a couple notes cause I have some stuff to clarify.  
> 1) I know things kind of jump an progress really quickly, but like I wrote this emotion filled after last nights episode so my compromised mind had no time to think clearly.  
> 2) Don't question the logistics of this. Actually never question the logistics of my writing, you'll be better off.  
> 3) Excuse any typos, grammar has never been my strong suit, i try.  
> 4) Not sure why, but writing a fic where everyone hates Clarke as she's sorta going crazy was somehow fulfilling?  
> 5) Don't get me wrong I fucking love her, buuuut, idk.  
> 6) The movie I mentioned that Clarke watched is nonexistent as far as I know.  
> 7) I'm sorry for the ending. I am. It was crucial to the story and I debated not going with it, but ya know, I had too.  
> 8) There is a sequel.  
> 9) It is called '(in the moment it all makes sense)' , you should read it, trust me.  
> 10) Fun Fact; I almost called this fic 'blow me away again' cause I was listening to Tie Me Down//Every Avenue but then I didn't.


End file.
